Thursday, June 20, 2002


Trip to Office Max Crucial to Agency’s Overhaul, Mueller Says

In what its director described as a “crucial” first step to upgrade the Federal Bureau of Investigation’s intelligence-gathering capabilities, the FBI paid a visit to an Office Max office superstore today and bought “a substantial number” of While-You-Were-Out message pads.

The agency, which has never had access to such message pads in the past, believes that the introduction of the While-You-Were-Out pads will dramatically improve the relaying of phone messages at FBI headquarters and in field offices across the country.

FBI Director Robert Mueller, speaking at a press conference in Washington, D.C, said that the FBI had also purchased “these little yellow reminder thingies with stick-um stuff on the back so you can post them on your desk and whatnot.”

Mueller added that the FBI was “intrigued” by a machine they saw at Office Max that could record phone messages and store them while an FBI employee was away from his or her desk.

“Once the phone messages are played back, they could theoretically be written down on the While-You-Were-Out pads,” Mueller said.

While Mueller pronounced the trip to Office Max “a resounding success,” FBI whistleblower Colleen Rowley revealed today that she had urged the agency to invest in While-You-Were-Out pads months ago – but no one listened.

“I then tried to write a memo about it, but there were no pens or paper anywhere in the office,” Rowley complained. “This visit to Office Max, I’m afraid, is too little too late.”

For his part, Mueller said he welcomed Rowley’s latest round of criticism.

“I’m always delighted to have Colleen Rowley rip me a new one,” Mueller said.
[/tongue in cheek]



The Simpsons' Treehouse of Horror VIII


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