easy bake coven | since 2002

Romantic and Voluptuous, By Mark Miller
"Romantic, sensitive, sincere, caring, honest, affectionate 25-year-old non-smoking male, a Kevin Costner lookalike, with great sense of humor, Ph.D. in Business, runs own advertising agency, enjoys sports, nature, movies, theater, restaurants, dancing--seeks sincere woman for friendship and good conversation."

Dear Romantic: I nearly fainted when I read your personals ad, because it pretty much described my ideal man. So even though I'm sure you'll be overwhelmed with responses, here's mine: I'm a bright, honest, loving, considerate, vivacious, outgoing 23-year-old, blonde, voluptuous, non-smoking female, often described as a Darryl Hannah lookalike. I am independently wealthy, and love exotic travel, gourmet cooking, and passionate embraces in front of a roaring fire. I am yearning for your reply.

Dear Voluptuous: Thank you for your wonderful letter in response to my ad. Coincidentally, you described my ideal woman. Unfortunately, I wasn't exactly 100% honest about myself in my ad. But your letter touched me to such a degree that I've decided to stop deluding myself and others. So even though it may cost me the loss of meeting you, here's the truth: I'm a 46-year-old Abe Vigoda lookalike, who smokes like a chimney, dropped out of high school to steal cars, still lives with my parents, and haven't the slightest idea how to function in a social situation.

Dear Romantic: I can't tell you how relieved I was to receive your refreshingly honest letter. I, too, have had it with all the artifice, the game-playing, the misrepresentation. So please allow me to revise my initial ad, as well: I'm a 52-year-old, enormously overweight woman, interested solely in my next meal. I suffer from indescribable body odor, but it doesn't bother me too much, as I spend most of my days dealing with the voices that I hear, commanding me to do the bidding of Emperor Borgar, ruler of my home planet. I am currently working, gutting fish, at Harvey's Carp-O-Rama, but it's the evening shift, so I have my days free to tend to my open sores and seventeen cats. I also like looking in people's windows while drooling. [more »]

TV Turnoff 2004 - April 19-25
What happens during a seven-day experiment in life without TV? A whole new space to think emerges. You find yourself passing time in ways you never expected. And you start to wonder: when I reach for the remote, who is really in control? View posters from previous years here. Adbusters link via ollapodrida



{Fast Links}
:: Be Here Now by Paul Krassner [link]
:: Realist
:: Pulitzer Prize winning author Michael Chabon sizes up a new medium for his superhero, the Escapist. [link]

{this day in history}
April 14, 1966 -- Swiss pharmaceutical firm Sandoz discontinues production of LSD. Owsley smiles. via daily bleed

{bullshit cliché of the week} - "war footing"

I feel a sin coming on.