and I said, No, No, No"... until that very first time when I was 39 years old and my 2nd child was still two years old.
BACKSTORY: I found early success by my mid-twenties. And I lost it all, but I didn't even slightly put the brakes on because I was blinded by my drug addiction. Addiction is one cruel bitch that I believe is perpetuated by unresolved emotional conflicts.
During this time I was so proud that I had bought a home on my own at age 26, working two full time jobs for several years as a functioning addict. Office work days from 8a - 4p and 4-5 evenings a week bartending. Working on my feet so much took a toll on my knees and hips (subsequent surgeries). More dope was called for and cocaine was the cure. It kept me working through the pain, but eventually blowing out my knees like a car tire blows out.
More dope = more trainwrecks via the fuck-up express. I ended up losing all my relationships, my respect, lost my first home, but by far, worst of all was losing custody of my only child in an ugly child custody case when he was just eight years old. This has been a dark shadow looming for 30 years with very little contact and sighting.
I've been a bit maudlin about Amy Winehouse's death. Her overdose hit me hard because I *was* Amy Winehouse 30 years ago-- only without the kickass voice. We shared an iv drug abuse habit (It's still too hard to say the name) and mine gained steam when I began college in Fall of 1970 and continued with ebbs and flows for 20+ years.
So many of my good friends died from ODs on drugs. Some friends had such close calls we had to shock and/or ice them back when you only had a matter of seconds waiting for the EMTs or ambulance to arrive. Soon after they were stabalized, they'd fire up another spoonful. That was typical addict behavior.
I have to keep telling myself that I'm one of the lucky ones. I'm still here. Those of you who are still actively using, I feel your pain deeply. But it'll come only in your time.
I have been in recovery for 20 years this past June with outstanding success and no slips. I still meet with fellow addicts regularly and there is such strength in numbers. "Their success is MY success." And vice versa.
Love & Light, dear ones... I'll always keep a big shoulder for you to rest upon.
I really related to Amy Winehouse BUT I didn't know how much until she passed. I mean, I loved her music and rooted for her peace of mind and sobriety like mad but I didn't know how connected I had felt to her and her struggle until her death and I was pretty well consumed about it. I lived the same way at the same age so I'm I've cried for four days now for her and for me and for all those who have gone before us.by Susan Cook on Sunday, July 24, 2011 at 3:43pm
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